Belongingness

I often struggle to find a place where I belong. 

When I was in grade school, my sister asked me, “who is you best friend?”, and I could not even define the word. The truth is I don’t have any friend. As I get older, I get lucky to have few wonderful people around. Yet, most of the time I still feel alone.

Nobody cares about me. No one understands. I am rejected. I am ignored.

Maybe all of us, at a moment feel this way. After all, I am not totally alone. Well, where have you been all this time, you who feel as I do? Come and find me, let’s be alone together.

[re-post from my old blog]

I'm Not Attached

"Love. Purpose. Those are the things that you can't plan for. Those are the things that just happen. And what if they don't happen? Do you spend your whole life pining for them? Waiting to be happy?” 

I find this really boring at the beginning. But why do I keep reading it until the end? Well, isn’t that there are times in our lives that we find it so boring but we keep up anyway?

photo from somewhere in the internet

I am fond of reading the email exchanges between besties Beth and Jennifer because I am guilty about this and won’t mind if some IT guy is reading them. In this case Lincoln is that IT guy who should be reminding the Courier’s employees about using the company email for personal conversations. But like me, he gets to enjoy reading these girls’ emails, because he found them smart, entertaining and funny.

They talk about their boyfriend and husband, having not and wanting a baby, married life and wanting to get married, a favorite movie, what happened to their weekends, and of course Beth’s Cute Guy.

That cute guy is the nerdy Lincoln. Well, he’s not actually that nerdy. He had just been in a tragic break up with Sam. It made him study longer that it should be, until he decided to come back home to Nebraska and live with her mother. Even though he should be complete having a comfortable life with his mom and having a job, he felt empty most of the time (I am so Lincoln).

So this has been the story is about, the two girls chatting while working and an IT guy is reading their emails. But where or when does the story’s turning point?

For me, it’s when Lincoln learned that Beth had seen her and find him cute. From then, I get ask when will they meet in person and will Beth dump his boyfriend Chris for this cute guy?

In reading more to know what will happen, I get to know Lincoln more. He is a sad man, for some things that happened and is happening in his life. She loved Sam for all his life and she dumped him for another man. He hates reading emails for a job. He felt like he’s being paid to do nothing. But he tries and never gave up upon himself. His family and friends supported him well. Slowly, he transformed and get to immerse from his past.

Beth on the other hand, lives in a fantasy that Chris will marry him. But it didn’t came. One day she had awaken from this dream and turned out that Chris is nightmare who will never marry her, for a stupid reason. But she is a strong and smart woman and survived the chaos from this miserable break up.

Oh before I tell a lot more of the story and spoil it all, let me break it from here. What happened? The ending came quite fast. I mean the whole story was told very long, there are lots of scenes of past and present that has narrated and in a flash – boom, an ending! It’s a happy ending though, but it lost the cheesy mushy “kilig” feeling that was created in your mind in most parts where characters think about each other.

Overall, it’s readable, entertaining, somewhat engaging and feel-good. But it’s not some kind of love story that you would go to say “aaahhw”. It’s not even a very realistic, or maybe I just can’t find it like that. Reality is shown more in the character of Lincoln’s mother. She’s some kind of a very protective mom yet liberal in some ways. For me it lacks intimacy between Lincoln and Beth, it’s very light on that part. And I can’t imagine how it will be interpreted come there will be a movie adaptation. Most of the scenes are email reading. That’s something to think about.

Attachments\ Rainbow Rowell\ 323 pages\ April 2011

Hello Alone

I have not been social in a while. Well that isn’t surprising. Eighty five percent of my life is spent in isolation, ten percent in close relationships, and only five percent for socializing. It would not be me, if I will be a social person. I tried to change my style. Unfortunately, I only come up with that ten percent.

I think most of the time, I am anxious of the world’s acceptance of my thoughts. So most of time I don’t let it slip off my mouth. I also felt that I am often different – against the flow type. When everyone’s singing Taylor Swift, I am listening to Paramore (you might think, who the hell that is?).

It’s sad sometimes. I felt no one understands me. At times when I’m excited, I find it hard to share it because nobody appreciates what I saw. Well that’s the price of being different.

So would I change for the world’s requirements? Nah, I am no pretender. Someday, I want to prove that some life theories are wrong.

P.S. Here are clips from the song by Anberlin - Hello Alone, enjoy! :)

Depression is the unholy ghost
In the coastal towns of ahead
Though I know a thousand names
I see my only friend
I've got the gun
All I need is ten cents for the bullet
I feel helpless, sleeping at best, waiting for your return
Are you ever coming home?

Is anybody out there?
Hello! Hello!
Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns
Is anybody out there?
Alone! Alone!
Cause the coldest winters thrive on broken homes
Broken homes